Off my chest

I convinced myself if you loved my body you could love the rest of me. I convinced myself having your touch was better than nothing at all. You ruined me. If I have to carry the weight of being nothing more than this lace bra then I get to blame you. Being with you only taught me I’m only as good as how hard I get you. God, don’t you see how fucked up that is?

Writing this now, I feel so pathetic. Look at what I deemed love, look at what I fell in love with. I spent so many weeks with your name stuck in my throat. I spent so many weeks trying to forget the feeling of your breath on my neck. I get to spiral, I get to write about the way loving you got me nowhere. Loving the wrong person leaves a bad taste in your mouth.

I miss you, I miss your stupid jokes.

I miss the plans we had, I miss your lips and the way you called me dork.

I was yours from the very first interaction. Loving you was the easiest thing I ever had to do, it was instinctively, it was irrational. Some days loosing my pride is worth asking you to come back. I am allowing myself to miss you. I spent weeks swallowing you. It got me nowhere.

The first week you left I cried in the shower until my chest hurt. I sat by my phone praying to a god you don’t believe in. I played your songs over and over, I drowned my ears in your favorite bands, desperate to have any part of you. I never understood craving a person. I never understood the physical pain of loneliness. Waiting for a person has to be one of the most draining things you can do.

I was nothing more than convenient. please, do not try to make me look any more foolish. i gave you every inch my of body, my sense of being, can you please just leave me with my pride? I blamed my lack of self respect on your inability to love me. When the truth is every month we spent together was the closest you ever got to experiencing love in its purest form. baby, the word no did not exist, tell me what did I ever deny you? You had me on my knees, had me at you beck and call.

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