the truth about love

We’ve gotten so good at excuses. We’ve gotten so good at believing love can taste vile and deceitful.

I wonder when love got so complicated? We let bad lovers convince us this is more than enough, this is exactly what we asked for.

Remember when love was stolen kisses and backs against lockers? Remember when taking a risk meant holding your hand?

Now here we are convinced loyalty is a privilege we oughta earn. Here we are convinced walking away is a crime.

Remember when you laughed at all my bad jokes? Remember when love was innocent? Virginity and blue skies.

Did you think having a heart would come back to bite you? Here you are convinced being hurt is all you can get.

I hope you know, love is bright, it is warm and you never feel empty or hungry, it’s so inviting. It’s nourishing and their name is the puzzle piece you never stopped looking for.

Don’t settle for anything less.

let the love in

sweet baby learn to let the love in

do not fret, do not stumble, I know your childhood convinced you that love is chaos in disguise

let it hold you and become undone

open up, let him dust your heart

let him take you apart, let love cradle you

in the event that he drops you, fall.

do not bottle up the pain, cry oceans and build a new world without him

you spent years without any love from yourself, you’ll be just fine without his sloppy excuse he deemed love.

learn to let the love in

do not stutter, do not hold back

tell him all your dreams are selfish and bright

tell him, although they hardly deserve it, the love for your parents will always remain

tell him about the stitches, the first time you saw snow

draw him your happiest memories

when he traces the scars, reassure him that is all they are now, scars

 

every love is unique. stop looking for him. stop waiting on him. his inability to love you is not contagious.

please, learn to let the love in

 

the end

 

 

tumblr_pdsy9jzDc01vrco2yo1_400

 

i have this tendency to fall fast and desperately

he made the lonely go away, oh my, how he made it all better.

the blame is all mine.

it takes everything in me not to call, I wish i was not like this, clingy and sensitive, I am so sorry if I was too much. Could you come back? I will love you the way you want to be loved. Just let me know. Tell me what you want.

Tell me where to place my hands, tell me what you want to hear. I will do anything.

warm

you gave me the warmest november

you know, I spent the last few days with a new boy(s) but it does not compare

I have always known love to be a losing game but it is starting to become twisted

promise me you will stay away

i only miss you when I am up at three am          images

i only miss you when the new boy does not laugh at my jokes

promise me you will stay away

you are almost out of my system

this depresson is growing up with me

I should have been someone by now. I should be able to stand on my own two feet. i should feel secure in the space i take up. I got disappointments scattered across my bedroom floor. A couple days ago i cried while filing out job applications, I am running out of time, this type of anxiety is new. I would say I am all burned out but that alludes there was a flame to begin with. If there is a light at the end of the tunnel I cannot see it. They say nothing lasts forever but i cannot remember a time when my existence did not feel like an inconvenience.

ghost-drawing-aesthetic-7

Since you asked about love

love is easy, letting them touch my skin, letting them feed me empty promises is easy. The chase makes me feel lethal and it is the only time I feel powerful. I suppose love is power…right?he calls me baby and in that moment every inch of me belongs to him. Falling is fun, the consequences come when you try to forget him. It is unlearning the small details, it is learning to be comfortable without their presence. My stomach is in knots, if he had stayed we would be laughing at one of my awful jokes. It is impossible to train the heart to be content alone. Letting him devour me did not terrify me, however, when he decided he was hungry for something else it left me cold. What terrifies me is feelings change without a warning. I still have all their numbers saved. Hope does not die as fast as our love did. Hope makes me a fool, every fucken time.

drawn-teeth-aesthetic-tumblr-580171-7231735.jpg

 

Eating

Eating sometimes feels like clockwork

and I know what I’m suppose to do:

Just eat.

Now that I’m heavier again no one asks how I’m doing, which I like, I can have water in place of meals again.

Recovery is sort of funny, another word for recovery is guilt.

Sometimes I’ll go a whole day without eating and then these cliche quotes start flooding in, love yourself, your body is a temple.

Then the facts tag along, you will die if start doing this again.

Your body will go into starvation mode and save the fat, I learned that in health class.

Losing all the weight gave me a sort of high, I know that’s sick, and I don’t wish this on anyone.

 

Hero Complex

large.jpg

He reminds me that if I am happy it is because he is letting me

“Don’t you forget whose shoulders carried all your baggage and who you called at three am. Don’t you dare forget loving me kept your demons at bay, I did that for you.”

I wonder how much more of me would exist if I did not give pieces of myself to boys who wanted to play god.

I wonder why I let them

What I should have told him was this happiness is mine, how dare he try to put his name on it

I put in the blood, sweat, and tears

I spent weeks drowning in isolation

I called the hotlines

His hero complex is not my problem and I am done existing for the sake of validation

I am happy and it is all mine, it is not yours to claim like a lost child or a reward.

 

 

all I have is time

I want to believe in love. I want to believe someone out there is willing to see every damaged piece of me and still wake up alongside me.

However, that can wait. Can’t it?

I want Rome and Portland, I want Stratford and so many other places. I want to discover every inch of me before introducing myself to them.

I want shitty apartments and tattoos I’ll regret. I want a certain kind freedom I’ve been yearning for since my heart discovered loneliness.

I want to pick myself up, dammit, I deserve to save myself. I want, just once, to decide that I am worth saving.

besides, I think people are eternal, their laughs and secrets are locked in every sunset and cloud. Our dreams hang on the branches of every tree, memories scattered along with the rain.

So let me have this, let me have this, let my heart latch on to a city and couch before a person.

It is all I ask.