Recovery is not about happiness. That’s tough to swallow. When you’re depressed or in the middle of a depressive episode all you beg for is a crumb of happiness like if you just get a taste you swear you can get your shit together. But that’s not recovery, that’s not getting better, that’s not realistic. It is about the small victories. I got out of bed. I got out of bed and did not think about dying. I had lunch. I had lunch and didn’t feel terrible about it. I had a two minute conversation and got through it. I had a conversation and did not count the seconds, I heard them. I thought about him and almost cried. I thought about him but then my lunch break ended. I keep my mind occupied, far too occupied to remember I have ridiculous reasons to be sad over. The medication keeps me at bay. Sometimes I take more than I am suppose to, I get that from my dad. If my dad is three years sober maybe that’s proof I’ll be okay. I will be okay. I have time to get my shit together. God, please, just don’t waste it. Please don’t fall back into the hole. I know you have to live with the depression, a freeloading asshole but you are in charge.

i cant take another hit

you look so pretty in the moonlight, you look so pretty under the city lights, so pretty i want to lie and promise you everything

I’ll stop hiding behind jokes, here, lets talk politics, how are you liking the weather?

 Let’s do grown up things, have you filed your taxes? What percent tip do you leave at restaurants?

 

I’ll keep writing your name over and over till I’m contempt with the name my mother gave me

It may not be the healthiest thing but you still are my happiness

I’ve learned praying for happiness is redundant

I’ve learned the things that make me happy are not to be shoved in the closet like my sexuality

So I will wear your name, I will shower in your voice, I’ll dream of you, I’ll wake up and smile because at some point you wanted me.

You are proof love isn’t light years away

You are proof happiness isn’t constant, much like any relationship, it has lows, happiness changes, happiness looks good in denim, most of all happiness is not a promise so devour it.

The day will come when you won’t be my happiness, I look forward to it.

Till then I will see you in my dreams.

if you stay I promise I will learn to love without losing myself in the process

I promise I can be my own person

I swear I can be her again, fifteen, with a strong belief in people and kindness

I swear I can see life as something beautiful

I will put away the drugs, I’ll put away the self deprecating girl who thinks bitterness is strength

I will put away the facade that this sarcasm is a weapon

I can write poems about bedroom eyes and sunsets

I will write poems in the horizon

I will write stanzas in the stars

All I ask is that you stick around, even if it is just for the night.

I convinced myself if you loved my body you could love the rest of me. I convinced myself having your touch was better than nothing at all. You ruined me. If I have to carry the weight of being nothing more than this lace bra then I get to blame you. Being with you only taught me I’m only as good as how hard I get you. God, don’t you see how fucked up that is?

Writing this now, I feel so pathetic. Look at what I deemed love, look at what I fell in love with. I spent so many weeks with your name stuck in my throat. I spent so many weeks trying to forget the feeling of your breath on my neck. I get to spiral, I get to write about the way loving you got me nowhere. Loving the wrong person leaves a bad taste in your mouth.

I miss you, I miss your stupid jokes.

I miss the plans we had, I miss your lips and the way you called me dork.

I was yours from the very first interaction. Loving you was the easiest thing I ever had to do, it was instinctively, it was irrational. Some days loosing my pride is worth asking you to come back. I am allowing myself to miss you. I spent weeks swallowing you. It got me nowhere.

The first week you left I cried in the shower until my chest hurt. I sat by my phone praying to a god you don’t believe in. I played your songs over and over, I drowned my ears in your favorite bands, desperate to have any part of you. I never understood craving a person. I never understood the physical pain of loneliness. Waiting for a person has to be one of the most draining things you can do.

I was nothing more than convenient. please, do not try to make me look any more foolish. i gave you every inch my of body, my sense of being, can you please just leave me with my pride? I blamed my lack of self respect on your inability to love me. When the truth is every month we spent together was the closest you ever got to experiencing love in its purest form. baby, the word no did not exist, tell me what did I ever deny you? You had me on my knees, had me at you beck and call.

tonight I got on the bus and that’s all it was

a means to get somewhere, not to run away

you are not all over LA, there is no need to look over my shoulder

I’m sure the paranoia is still there just hidden under all the medication

but you are finally a just a boy, you are finally a stranger

my god, I did a glamorous thing building you up

Look at the way I made you my city

Look at the way I made your body home

Look at the way I turned your existence into an exhibit

believe me when I say there is no way to make “I do not love you” sound poetic

you cannot tip toe around it

You cannot sugarcoat it

he does not love me

he does not love me and I can taste it

I can still taste him

I convinced myself half of him, the lower half of him, was better than nothing at all

I convinced myself his touch could make up for his lack of affection

don’t get me wrong, this is not a “how dare you do this to me? how dare you treat me like this?” Because I know very well I asked for it, I know very well my hands trailed your chest.

This is a “why does love like that exist? How can love change overnight?” Because it did. Because it was in fact love. He used to say I lived in his head and all his dreams were about me.

We’ve gotten so good at excuses. We’ve gotten so good at believing love can taste vile and deceitful.

I wonder when love got so complicated? We let bad lovers convince us this is more than enough, this is exactly what we asked for.

Remember when love was stolen kisses and backs against lockers? Remember when taking a risk meant holding your hand?

Now here we are convinced loyalty is a privilege we oughta earn. Here we are convinced walking away is a crime.

Remember when you laughed at all my bad jokes? Remember when love was innocent? Virginity and blue skies.

Did you think having a heart would come back to bite you? Here you are convinced being hurt is all you can get.

I hope you know, love is bright, it is warm and you never feel empty or hungry, it’s so inviting. It’s nourishing and their name is the puzzle piece you never stopped looking for.

Don’t settle for anything less.

sweet baby learn to let the love in

do not fret, do not stumble, I know your childhood convinced you that love is chaos in disguise

let it hold you and become undone

open up, let him dust your heart

let him take you apart, let love cradle you

in the event that he drops you, fall.

do not bottle up the pain, cry oceans and build a new world without him

you spent years without any love from yourself, you’ll be just fine without his sloppy excuse he deemed love.

learn to let the love in

do not stutter, do not hold back

tell him all your dreams are selfish and bright

tell him, although they hardly deserve it, the love for your parents will always remain

tell him about the stitches, the first time you saw snow

draw him your happiest memories

when he traces the scars, reassure him that is all they are now, scars

 

every love is unique. stop looking for him. stop waiting on him. his inability to love you is not contagious.

please, learn to let the love in

 

 

 

 

i have this tendency to fall fast and desperately

he made the lonely go away, oh my, how he made it all better.

the blame is all mine.

it takes everything in me not to call, I wish i was not like this, clingy and sensitive, I am so sorry if I was too much. Could you come back? I will love you the way you want to be loved. Just let me know. Tell me what you want.

Tell me where to place my hands, tell me what you want to hear. I will do anything.